Sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some
Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life--now I can't even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said, "Implants?"
and she slapped me.
I have no need for drugs, cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected!
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip-shit's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just 2 people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

More Words of Wisdom

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Before marriage, a man Yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the "Y" becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?