The French  

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Ted Nugent is an avid hunter and world famous rock-n-roll guitar player.

Ted was being interviewed by a British journalist.
The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it?

Is it,`Are you my friend?` or is it, `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"  
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking.  
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to fuck next, and can I run fast enough to get away.  
They are very much like the French in that way."

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Disney fireworks canceled
Associated Press

PARIS, France -- The French government announced today that it plans to ban
fireworks at Euro Disney until further notice following last night's
fireworks display that caused more than 5,000 soldiers at a nearby French
army garrison to surrender.

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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.  During one battle, The French captured an English major.  Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.  The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?  Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.  And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.


The makers of French's Mustard recently made the following statement: 

"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France.
There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France. 
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow"


 France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
     ---Mark Twain


"I  just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
      ---- Hannibal Lecter


While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question:

"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking with the French." The Secretary smiled and replied: "I'm not going there!"



"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton


 "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf


"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

---- Marge Simpson


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,


"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin


There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'




"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."

--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)



Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.


An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying
to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona


"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien


"I don't know  why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all,
France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno



"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman


"Runaway" by Del Shannon, 
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers, 
"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis, 
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison, 
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards, 
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley, 
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons, 
"Live and Let Die" by Wings, 
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond, 
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers, 
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi


How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. One of the teachers, Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris with the group. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport"

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"


The big question: What do you do?

You are the President of the United States.
Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth.
They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately
2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely  wipe France
from the face of the earth forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send
all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. 
Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being
used to fight the war on terror overseas.

As the President, you must decide:
Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live,
or do you tape it and watch it in the morning?

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