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  1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
  4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  5. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  9. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
  10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  12. God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  14. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
  15. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  16. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  17. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
  19. Procrastinate Now
  20. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
  22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
  23. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
  24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
  25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
  26. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
  27. A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
  28. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  29. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  30. WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
  31. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  32. The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.

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